Dealing with an oppositional toddler doesn’t mean you’re a dismissive parent. You can be as in tune as possible with your child’s emotions, and they’ll still have plenty of moments where they’ll scream at you and refuse to do something just because you asked them to do it.
Learning how to convince them to do something in a way that they’re amenable to is practically the opposite of being dismissive. You’re not minimizing how they feel, you’re just working towards a goal in a way that suits both people. Being a dismissive parent would be continuing to go down the same paths that lead to fighting, because clearly you don’t care about how your child feels about it.
Many years, ago, early morning routine. I needed to go to work, so I just just told my then 3 1/2y old daughter she couldn’t go to kindergarden right now, we go a little later.
Stamping her foot, “Nooooooo, I want to go now”
“Ok, if you insist…”
(That was in the “learning to say no” phase when she said “no” to everything for a time)
The key is not trying to trick them. Acknowledging their feelings as valid, helping them identify what they are feeling, and help them soothe.
A dismissive parent doesn’t have to ignore a child. Just dismiss that child’s emotions as irrational or not helpful. They might use distractions or tricks which may limit the ability to do the above.
At the end of the day, tricking a child is not a good parenting style even though it can be cute and even funny.
Substitute “convince by indirect and non-confrontational means” for “trick”, and you’re saying the same thing as the original post. Makes for a shit joke though.
That’s fair, and I think that a lot of the disagreement we have is about the definition of the word “trick”. Having a verbally delayed kid meant we had to “trick” them into doing things by finding the right set of words that got them to understand what was needed and didn’t trigger a massive screaming fit where even merely acknowledging them set them off even more.
Your advice is probably spot on for neurotypical kids though. Things get easier as the words come, and it makes it easier to explain to them the ‘why’ behind the things we do, but it still feels like I have to find the magic incantation that unlocks the behavior I want instead of getting screamed at and playing 20 questions to find out the actual issue.
True. I was trying to use the context in the meme to define “trick” as using deception or distraction.
It still takes a lot of extra time and patience even with neurotypical children. I have to schedule this time in case I need it when bringing my toddler to time slotted appointments. There is an authoritative element that is required as well to try to keep that time boxed and keep limits set while still acknowledging that their experience is valid. It’s not easy at all, but I wouldn’t equate it to dealing with a malevolent entity…maybe I’m just reading too much into a meme.
Those 4 styles are really poorly written. They’re not MECE and I’d be happy to write them off as pseudo science, or even a marketing scheme for a book based on that blog post.
If there are 4 styles where 3 are wrong and ‘this book teaches you the correct 1’ I get nervous.
You make a good point and there is nothing wrong with healthy skepticism, but you should keep in mind that this is a book from the 1998 by a credentialed and respected author.
The book does go into much further detail on the different styles it defines. And it utilizes extensive field work which started in 1986 which includes behavioral observations, parent / teacher questionnaires, and medical data. This is the psychologists summary of what they think is the best parenting styles at the time with the data they had.
I would recommend if you’re interested in the subject and wish to critique it, to read the book yourself.
I’ve just finished it and would love to see some opposing views that make sense.
I answered this in other comments in this post already and don’t want to spam. But basically children are capable of logic and you can convince them to do things without tricks or distractions.
Yeah, but the logic they’re capable of is context free. The weights on the decision tree are jacked up. Ask a 3 year old if they’d trade their dad for a bath tub of Mac and cheese and you’ll get an emphatic yes half the time.
I once told my 4yo he needed to go run around outside for a little while and he solemnly walked outside and ran in a circle sobbing. I asked him why he was crying and he said “a while is forever”.
Only if you use a dismissive parenting style.
translation: git gud at gnome tricking
Dealing with an oppositional toddler doesn’t mean you’re a dismissive parent. You can be as in tune as possible with your child’s emotions, and they’ll still have plenty of moments where they’ll scream at you and refuse to do something just because you asked them to do it.
Learning how to convince them to do something in a way that they’re amenable to is practically the opposite of being dismissive. You’re not minimizing how they feel, you’re just working towards a goal in a way that suits both people. Being a dismissive parent would be continuing to go down the same paths that lead to fighting, because clearly you don’t care about how your child feels about it.
Many years, ago, early morning routine. I needed to go to work, so I just just told my then 3 1/2y old daughter she couldn’t go to kindergarden right now, we go a little later.
Stamping her foot, “Nooooooo, I want to go now”
“Ok, if you insist…”
(That was in the “learning to say no” phase when she said “no” to everything for a time)
I agree. But it all depends on how you do that.
The key is not trying to trick them. Acknowledging their feelings as valid, helping them identify what they are feeling, and help them soothe.
A dismissive parent doesn’t have to ignore a child. Just dismiss that child’s emotions as irrational or not helpful. They might use distractions or tricks which may limit the ability to do the above.
At the end of the day, tricking a child is not a good parenting style even though it can be cute and even funny.
Substitute “convince by indirect and non-confrontational means” for “trick”, and you’re saying the same thing as the original post. Makes for a shit joke though.
That’s fair, and I think that a lot of the disagreement we have is about the definition of the word “trick”. Having a verbally delayed kid meant we had to “trick” them into doing things by finding the right set of words that got them to understand what was needed and didn’t trigger a massive screaming fit where even merely acknowledging them set them off even more.
Your advice is probably spot on for neurotypical kids though. Things get easier as the words come, and it makes it easier to explain to them the ‘why’ behind the things we do, but it still feels like I have to find the magic incantation that unlocks the behavior I want instead of getting screamed at and playing 20 questions to find out the actual issue.
True. I was trying to use the context in the meme to define “trick” as using deception or distraction.
It still takes a lot of extra time and patience even with neurotypical children. I have to schedule this time in case I need it when bringing my toddler to time slotted appointments. There is an authoritative element that is required as well to try to keep that time boxed and keep limits set while still acknowledging that their experience is valid. It’s not easy at all, but I wouldn’t equate it to dealing with a malevolent entity…maybe I’m just reading too much into a meme.
I think you are focusing way too hard on tricking being negative, when it doesn’t have to be. Example:
“Pick up these toys” - direct, boring, likely to be ignored.
“Can you dance the whole time you are putting toys away?” - fun, presents a challenge to overcome, at least maybe burning some energy.
The second one could be considered a trick, but it’s not dismissive or mean and it teaches that chores can be made fun.
Can confirm, dancing while doing chores continues to be the way to go as an adult
Yep, totally agreed.
What do you mean by a “dismissive parenting style”?
I have no clue what this means either. I have never heard another parent say it or even read about it as a parent.
I’m using language from Dr. John Gottman in Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. This blog post is pretty much what’s in the book.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-parenting-styles/
Those 4 styles are really poorly written. They’re not MECE and I’d be happy to write them off as pseudo science, or even a marketing scheme for a book based on that blog post.
If there are 4 styles where 3 are wrong and ‘this book teaches you the correct 1’ I get nervous.
You make a good point and there is nothing wrong with healthy skepticism, but you should keep in mind that this is a book from the 1998 by a credentialed and respected author.
The book does go into much further detail on the different styles it defines. And it utilizes extensive field work which started in 1986 which includes behavioral observations, parent / teacher questionnaires, and medical data. This is the psychologists summary of what they think is the best parenting styles at the time with the data they had.
I would recommend if you’re interested in the subject and wish to critique it, to read the book yourself.
I’ve just finished it and would love to see some opposing views that make sense.
Dude, my niece would answer ‘no’ to any question asked of her, then follow up with ‘yes’ if she liked it/wanted to do it.
Learning a kid’s quirks is just part of parenting. What the heck are you on about?
I answered this in other comments in this post already and don’t want to spam. But basically children are capable of logic and you can convince them to do things without tricks or distractions.
Yeah, but the logic they’re capable of is context free. The weights on the decision tree are jacked up. Ask a 3 year old if they’d trade their dad for a bath tub of Mac and cheese and you’ll get an emphatic yes half the time.
I once told my 4yo he needed to go run around outside for a little while and he solemnly walked outside and ran in a circle sobbing. I asked him why he was crying and he said “a while is forever”.
Me, after spending one hour playing with my son: ok now I’m going to spend some time with your sister
My son, five minutes later: NOBODY EVER WANTS TO PLAY WITH ME
This commenter has never lived with a child.