Obviously this joke was written by someone who’s very pro-engineer, and hasn’t worked with very many computer scientists. You want something done as quickly as possible? Get a Dev to look at the project. This response would be by someone in project management or sales.
With your background, consider pivoting into another skill subset. Specifically, the Salesforce job market has been completely flooded with people who don’t have a baseline understanding of code and coding best principles and practices.
People that I work with that understand those, get really far in the Salesforce ecosystem. Having a solid background in those OOP languages would help you really shine in that market.
It’s a skill set that’s needed and for you, will be relatively easy to go into, just go out and pay $200 to get your admin cert and another two to get your SF Dev 1 Cert. The Apex language is just a flavor of Java and LWC is just JavaScript. You’ll then get a ton of recruiters reaching out.
Whatever you decide though, good luck and keep at it! It took me over a decade of bouncing around different niche IT areas before I found something that stuck.
Source for my opinions: I’m currently working as a Senior Enterprise Architect at one of the big 4 consulting firms and have been for years.